Peek a boo

I feel like I’m playing peek a boo with my reality. With cancer and the effects it has on me. I haven’t been able to look back at the chemo, surgery and radiation fully. The effects it has on my body, my mind and spirit. The effects on my children, my husband, my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, friends, and all my loved ones. Its impossible for me to look directly at this ugly ass beast that changed every cell and fiber of my being. Sometimes I’m hiding under a big thick comforting blanket and I’ll slightly peek out from under it. Just one little eye, just for a glimpse. I find my emotions and panic attacks set in and it’s impossible to look again. That effort failed. I must retreat back into Netflix, books or video games. The reality is too ugly for me right now. I need Peace and healing. I’ve removed all signs if cancer from my closet and dresser. I removed all the cancer stickers from my car. I want to move on, but I can’t even look forward or backwards without my blanket. I’m stuck. Sometimes I can deal with things a small bit at a time. I might even have an afgan on instead. Its filtering a lot of reality. It’s also a lighter blanket, so I can move about and take care of the house and maybe even do a project. Then, once every couple of weeks, I bravely set out to therapy and put a thin veil on to try to look longer and harder at this emotional boiling pot. That’s what I call it. My emotions are so vast and heated and they have just collected so much that I don’t even have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with any more stress. It’s about to boil over and sometimes does. Often in the form of anxiety attacks. That’s how I know I’m done. Got to look in the dumb big ass pot. And try to cool down and relax the temperature. It’s a long work in progress. And it fucking sucks. A lot.

So, my emotions prevent me from blogging. In order to look back at the past, I have to play peek a boo. I can’t wear a filter, because I want the truth out. I need to be able to share other the world my experiences. I have to face this whole ordeal and it’s about time I deal with it, but it’s not as easy as just telling myself this.

I hope I can share my journey of healing better than I shared my journey of treatment. As I heal. I believe I will be able to share my treatment more. When I started therapy, I told my therapist that my goal was to blog again. It’s difficult to blog when you can’t even bear to peek at the experience. I’m going to try to play peek a boo a bit for myself and for you.

September 2022

First, I want to quickly acknowledge that I am a pretty awful blogger. It’s been years since I’ve had this blog and It’s been years since I blogged. I’m going to admit near defeat. Near. I have held onto this failing blog because I still want to do it! I’ve had emotional scars from just pushing through treatment (which lasted 3 years) not counting hormone suppressing treatment.

When blogging, you have to kinda mentally and emotionally go over details and you do it more than just a conversation would. You think about the basics first- why you did it, when it occurred, etc.; then, the details- the physical effects, which affect your family, your mental and physical state, etc. It’s hard to do that. It’s writing an essay about your hardest moments. If you’ve never done that, its hard to explain, but, well, it’s damn difficult. And, its important! It’s not for a grade, but it’s for the world to read. I surely don’t have a wide audience, I know…but I have an important audience. Women, men, children, parents, sisters, brothers, best friends, distant relatives, distant acquaintances, afraid people across the world, nurses, doctors, cna’s, a newspaper, another blogger, who knows! Each of you are here for a reason. A personal reason. You didn’t arrive here by accident. No one just finds a blog about IBC by scrolling through Apple News. Your here because you want more info. You want to feel less alone. You want hope. You came for a reason. An important one, that’s what I’m saying. Your important. I want to still write this blog because it’s important to me to share, even if its every few years. I would laugh because, wow….what a miserable blogger I am..ha! There is my laugh. I mean, i have to. I’m so disappointed in myself…but, well….here I am. I have to acknowledge this failure and try to move on from it.

Please just be aware how much this still means to me. I will try to blog more often and I have so many I started but just couldn’t finish. I will try to finish those with time. I’ll also update you on the next blog. It’s been awhile… lol.

I want you to know, my dear reader, that you can always email me. I will answer any questions I can.