I feel like I’m playing peek a boo with my reality. With cancer and the effects it has on me. I haven’t been able to look back at the chemo, surgery and radiation fully. The effects it has on my body, my mind and spirit. The effects on my children, my husband, my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, friends, and all my loved ones. Its impossible for me to look directly at this ugly ass beast that changed every cell and fiber of my being. Sometimes I’m hiding under a big thick comforting blanket and I’ll slightly peek out from under it. Just one little eye, just for a glimpse. I find my emotions and panic attacks set in and it’s impossible to look again. That effort failed. I must retreat back into Netflix, books or video games. The reality is too ugly for me right now. I need Peace and healing. I’ve removed all signs if cancer from my closet and dresser. I removed all the cancer stickers from my car. I want to move on, but I can’t even look forward or backwards without my blanket. I’m stuck. Sometimes I can deal with things a small bit at a time. I might even have an afgan on instead. Its filtering a lot of reality. It’s also a lighter blanket, so I can move about and take care of the house and maybe even do a project. Then, once every couple of weeks, I bravely set out to therapy and put a thin veil on to try to look longer and harder at this emotional boiling pot. That’s what I call it. My emotions are so vast and heated and they have just collected so much that I don’t even have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with any more stress. It’s about to boil over and sometimes does. Often in the form of anxiety attacks. That’s how I know I’m done. Got to look in the dumb big ass pot. And try to cool down and relax the temperature. It’s a long work in progress. And it fucking sucks. A lot.

So, my emotions prevent me from blogging. In order to look back at the past, I have to play peek a boo. I can’t wear a filter, because I want the truth out. I need to be able to share other the world my experiences. I have to face this whole ordeal and it’s about time I deal with it, but it’s not as easy as just telling myself this.

I hope I can share my journey of healing better than I shared my journey of treatment. As I heal. I believe I will be able to share my treatment more. When I started therapy, I told my therapist that my goal was to blog again. It’s difficult to blog when you can’t even bear to peek at the experience. I’m going to try to play peek a boo a bit for myself and for you.

3 thoughts on “Peek a boo

  1. Hey Cat. Your blog is what and when you need it. Sharing your experience is real and important. I think back to my arm injury and realize no one really knows what I went through. Your blog gives us a glimpse of your life; the good, the bad and the ugly. Blog away when you feel the need. We are listening. Big hugs and keep your faith. Love ya!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Doll, you’re going through the grief stages. What you have faced is unimaginable! You feel what you feel, and if you’re not ready to look the bastard in the eyes, don’t! Remember how you eat an elephant? (One bite at a time.) Do what you can do when you are ready – you’ll get there.

    I’m glad you’re writing again.

    LOVE YOU!

    Liked by 1 person

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